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What IF God was one of us?

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 19:55:04 +0100

Right, I'm only writing this because floods meant I couldn't get to my gig tonight, don't think I like you. Anyway, here is a review, I am in it. He doesn't say I'm the best one, in fact he specifically states that Matt Reed is, but I was:
http://www.gigglebeats.co.uk/2012/06/fuckwits-simon-donald-matt-reed-steffen-peddie-nick-cranston-and-lee-kyle-at-the-newcastle-stand/

Anyway, I'm doing the only thing that anyone would do when sans gig, I'm dissecting the lyrics of the Joan Osbourne hit 'What if God was one of us?' you know, from the nineties? She was a sort of Gen-X Dana.

If God had a name what would it be?
-It would be God.

And would you call it to his face?
-Yes, I would. I'm not sure why you would think he'd be insulted. Calling someone God seems like a compliment to me.

If you were faced with him in all his glory
-What, with nowt on?

What would you ask if you had just one question?
- I would ask him 'If God has a name, what would it be'. Either that or I would ask for a million more wishes. Oh wait, that's genies.

And yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah
-She's fucked this up, she should have started with good and moved on to great, this makes it sound like God is getting worse throughout the chorus. Next line would be 'yeah, yeah, God is alright' then 'yeah, yeah, God is shit.

What if God was one of us?
-Like when he was Jesus for a bit? Don't know, what of it?

Just a slob like one of us
-God is a slob like one of us. He used to do loads of shit, making the World, fooling people into killing their kids, shit like that. Nowadays we are lucky if he finds time to turn up in some toast.

Just a stranger on the bus
- I DON'T KNOW! What if he was a fella on a bus, what am I supposed to do?!?

Trying to make his way home
-On a bus? To heaven? Come on Lord, buck your ideas up mate, buses don't go up. Remember that old song where it goes 'You'll never get to heaven, in an old Ford car?' God is niave to think a bus would be any different.

If God had a face what would it look like?
-David Bellamy

And would you want to see
-I'd probably be a bit curious yeah but I'd probably be a bit curious just to see David Bellamy

If seeing meant that
you would have to believe
in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints
and all the prophets
-WOAH! That's not on. Just because I accidentally look at a stranger on a bus who happens to be God, doesn't mean that I have to believe in all the prophets. Some of them sure but that Isiaih always struck me as a right chancer.

Trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
- Not all alone, Mary will be there and Florence Nightingale probably and Hitler if he was sorry. There'll be loads to do. Can't get there on a bus though (See earlier.).

Nobody calling on the phone
-I don't know his number, plus, as you've said, he's a stranger. Plus, he's on a bus, annoying when people speak on the phone on a bus. God would know that.

'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome
-'Alreet God, it's me, Benedict' Okay, so it would have been John Paul in the mid nineties.

Just trying to make his way home
- You want to get off the bus mate. Hang on, doesn't God live everywhere? This Osbourne lass is a fool.

Like a holy rolling stone
-Perhaps this means Brian Jones is in heaven? Devil's music my arse.

Next week, Bitch by Meredith Brooks.

You are reading this right now.

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 17:19:33 +0100

I'm doing a blog. NOW! I did some ageas ago and then I didn't do any and now I'm doing another one. You are now up to date with my news. Oh, I was Gigglebeats New Act of the Month in September and did an interview for them. I'm also on the iPlayer from about 41 minutes in, in a thing about comedy on Teesside, I sound camper than I do in my head.

Gigglebeats New Act of the Month - http://www.gigglebeats.co.uk/2011/09/new-act-of-the-month-lee-kyle/

Radio Tees documentary - December 2011 http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p00mbqjd/BBC_Tees_Documentary_26_12_2011/

So, anyway, hello.

Not totally convinced I have anything to say but it's raining so I'm a-writing.

Looking at my site I notice that it is shit, this is because it is. I don't see how I can change that. The banner has a picture of me with my old 'Duncan off Byker Grove' hair. I have short hair now which I also hate, I slept in a hat for the first two nights of my new haircut as I thought that Claire might just divorce the shit out of me. I shouldn't have worried, clearly she didn't marry for hair.

Also, I went to Iceland. Yes, I know that it is also the name of a budget supermarket, everyone knows that. They have a penis museum. The Iceland mens handball team all have casts of their flumps in there and one is noticably smaller than the rest. I laughed at him so that I felt like a big man. There was a hamster cock that could only be seem through a magnifying glass. stupid get.

I did gigs of varying quality. That's them covered then. Have you ever driven past Runcorn at night? It's dead nice, it looks like a futuristic metropolis from the motorway. It's probably a shithole though.

Keir refused to get out of his Nana's car a few weeks ago because she's a racist so he tried to spoil her night. "Get this racist away from me!" he shouted. She is a bit racist but I think mainly in the way that stupid old people sometimes are, where they think they aren't. she stepped up and made a cracking Christmas dinner though, so she has strengths. Although last years dinner was abysmal so she's really just level on that so, in judgement, she's a bit racist and her dinner making skills are undetermined.

What a cow.

I saw a girl on the Metro with stockings tattooed onto her legs. I thought "She must love stockings." because I'm a great judge of character. They were very ornate stockings. Then I thought "She loves stocckings so much that she has tattooed them onto her legs, however this means that she can no longer wear stockings because then it'll look like she has two pairs of stockings on." She loves stockings so much that she has ensured that she can never wear stockings again.

I went to see the shoe tree today, because I heard John Scott talk about it on the radio and also because i can't think of anything else to do in Newcastle. It's a tree near Heaton in Newcastle which, for reasons I don't know, has hundreds of pairs of shoes thrown into its branches (I assume thrown, rather than it grows its own.). We couldn't find it at first and saw a tree with one pair of shoes on a branch. We assumed that the stories about it had been built up somewhat. When we did happen upon it, it was fucking incredible, it looks like a magical world or something. I threw a pair of shoes up but they knocked two other pairs down. I threw them back up though.

Then we had chips.

This'll do

Thistle do...There's a pun in that, probably not a joke though.

You think this is the real Lee, it is.

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 22:13:55 +0100

Things that I have done as of late:

Went to Estonia, Latvia and Finland in 5 days because Claire has a scratch off map and is trying to visit every country in Europe. In Latvia, we saw a dog that had been cut in half and then sewed onto another dogs back si it could share its heart. It was in a museum, not a street.

The link is below, click on it and have your dreams haunted.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mauvesimian/214917154/

I also saw the first dog to go to space and return safely. I looked at it's anus, it seemed fine.

Then, in Estonia, we went to what was called Patarei prison museum but was actually just a Soviet era prison that was emptied and left as is. I saw the hanging room, which took my by surprise and I freaked out a little and sort of ran away for a few steps. They had set up a conference room in one of the cells which struck me as pretty insane, not only was the room terrifying and grubby, with chairs mis-matched and borrowed from various cells but the room was situated just opposite a room where someone had scrawled PAIN in blood. http://www.flickr.com/photos/tonikaarttinen/sets/72157624470739223/

Then, we went to Tunisia, went on camels into the Sahara and that, something happened that I was going to write about but I can't remember what it is...If it comes back to me I'll let you know.

As for gigs, pretty happy with how things are going, getting more consistent I think, got booked to open The Stand in Newcastle in November, should be ace. I now have a joke about the Crash Test Dummies in my arsenal so am expecting all the big agents to get in touch any day now...

Fucked up my So, You Think You're Funny semi-final though, not terribly, I didn't die or anything, still could have gone through if the cards had have fallen my way but I really didn't do myself justice. Couldn't complain when I didn't get through. Good luck to Nicola Mantalios-Lovett who is class and I hope wins (FUNNY TEAM!), good luck also, to Andy Clark, who I don't know as well but has been good company and is a funny act. I'm sure they both realise that I'm better than them too. That was a joke. I'm not bitter. Cunts. That was a joke too.

Palm trees? They're handy...That's a joke too.

No wonder I didn't go through...

Oh, I've had other gigs too, to end this on a positive note, I'll tell you they all went brilliantly, which they did because I am great. Apart from the ones that didn't, although my arrogance has allowed me to forget those.

The rough part of Manchester

Tue, 24 May 2011 23:10:34 +0100

I was in Manchester the other day, the gig was lovely, the city is stupid.

I was waiting for a bus and a man came to talk to me, it was late so I assumed he wanted to steal my swanky new phone. It is a good phone, one well worth stealing. He didn't though, he wanted to know whether it was worth going to hospital because he had severe back pain and brokem fingers.

To me, this is a good time to go to hospital.

Also, he was a tramp.

It's not the done thing to say tramp these days is it? If I was one though, I would rather be called a tramp than be called homeless, tramp has almost romantic overtones of treading the streets while homeless fixates on the worst aspect of their life, the lack of home.

This isn't some tedious anti-PC rant though, it's just that I always assumed I would end up as a tramp one day so I've thought about this.

Anyway, he kept touching my back and rubbing it and that in order to show me where the pain was. I didn't want to ask him to stop (Because I was scared not because I was horny.) so I didn't. Then, when the bus came he asked me sit opposite him and shield him from the driver so he could drink. It seems worth mentioning that he stunk of piss.

Then he pointed out a woman who he termed 'a bit odd'. He was right.

She stood up and gave a long speech about organised police brutality ON THE BUS. It seemed to be the type of speech that was eloquent until you listened to the substance and noticed it was jibberish. She handed out some hand-made leaflets which were covered in pictures of her face. I tried to read one but this could not be done.

The thing is...Nobody seemed to think any of this was odd.

I had to catch a train at 5:30am, so, on arrival at my hostel at midnight I wanted to head to sleep. I reckoned without a Serbian bodybuilder with a full-back skull tattoo deciding he needed the light on to read a magazine. I weighed up the idea of turning the light off until I realised he was a Serbian bodybuilder. Perhaps his mind had been warped by Arkan's reign of terror during his childhood. I had no way of knowing.

That is what Manchester is like.

Stand and deliver

Sat, 16 Apr 2011 11:41:02 +0100

I'm quoted in this arcticle about the Stand coming to Newcastle, read it here: http://www.gigglebeats.co.uk/2011/04/stand-and-deliver/

Here is the full interview that was conducted by Gigglebeats fuhrer Andrew Dipper. I don't have his permission to publish it here but, what's he going to do. review me? Ooooh! I'm reallllly scared...

Is The Stand a good club to play? If so, why? Do you enjoy playing the club?

In my limited experience, The Stand is phenomenal. Firstly, the rooms in both Edinburgh and especially in Glasgow are perfect for comedy with a great ambiance. On top of that though, it is run in a way that manages to be 100% professional while still having a relaxed attitude. They were the first club to see something in my act and this gave me a great boost.

How do you think The Stand does/will differ from other weekend clubs like The Grinning Idiot and The Hyena?

I've never played the Hyena but, by reputation, they will cater to a different market. The Stand is more similar to the Grinning Idiot in that they cater for a more comedy literate audience rather than stag and hen nights. The Grinning Idiot would differ in that they run a variety of venues, in Newcastle and other places, while The Stand will look to run nightly in one specific venue. In terms of mission statements, the two clubs are similar and allow for a more leftfield approach to stand-up.

Is there a worry that a few of the smaller nights will fold when they open their venue in Newcastle?

It's possible certainly but the impression that I get is that The Stand has led to a growth in stand-up in Glasgow and Edinburgh. Over time, it seems likely to me that The Stand will lead to an increase in the number of people who regularly go to see comedy in Newcastle, this can only be good news for other promoters.

What do you think The Stand will bring to the North East scene?

I think it will be a great benefit, both to those watching and performing comedy. I think the new act scene is relatively strong in Newcastle and I know that The Stand are always looking at reliable, imaginative local acts. If I was Jack Gardner, Nicola Mantalios-Lovett or Jon Pelham to name a few, I would look at the fact that they offered me a weekend at the Edinburgh Stand after seeing me for the first time as a sign that, even after the 20-30 gigs they have under their name, The Stand would be willing to take a chance on their potential if they impress at the 'Red Raw' new act night.

In Edinburgh, The Stand is easily associated with local acts such as Vladimir McTavish and Susan Morrison. It's easy to imagine the likes of Andy Fury and Tony Jameson becoming synonymous with the Newcastle Stand.

Some shit I wrote in April 2007

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 10:29:31 +0100

I've just got back from Mallorca, it was canny ands that but, fuck, English people are pricks. No other country seems to consist of people who go abroad wearing clothes with the names of their country all over. If England is so fucking skill, what the fuck are you doing in Spain? Cunts. Then they only eat food from places that have signs in the windows like 'Proper Cups of Tea made with PG Tips and PROPER British Milk'. I bet some shit could make a fortune if they opened a restaurant selling genuine Asda smartprice Spaghetti Bolognese warmed through in PROPER British Microwaves.

What I like best about Alan Sugar is that he has no sense of humour, I think that's dead refreshing. He was on Jonathan Ross once, and he didn't get a single one of the jokes. He has no time in his life for fun.

Speaking of your wondrous Fellgate Juniors memory, I remember when Andrew Donaldson turned up late for St Mary's match against Simonside (Our bitter, just over the school hedge, arch rivals) and I filled in at left back and helped us to a nail-biting 1-0 victory. I kept my place for the next game, and he kept threatening to get me after school and that. Woah Donaldson! Sorry that your silky left foot and over-lapping abilty was no match for my positional sense and Des Walker like reading of the game. Anyway, next match we were 7-0 down to the mighty St Joseph's at half time and I was replaced by him. I was substitute from then on, even though I was a much better choice on the left of Midfield than Eric Butler, who played every game desite touching the ball less than ten times all season.

I currently hate psychics, there was one on 'This Morning' yesterday, who got everything completely wrong and explained it away with some shit about simply repeating what the spirits say and that you have to filter out the salient information. At no point did Britton or Schofield just inform the audience that they were frauds, feeding on the lonely (See also religion, by the way, di I mention I once proved that there was no God, anyway, I've since proved that the vast majority of the religious don't even think that there is a God, I'll tell you about it some time)

I also hate Ugly Betty. I haven't seen it, but I'm absolutely convinced that everyone who has ever watched it is a cunt. You can just tell that frigging Colin and Justin have Ugly Betty parties where everybody wears pyjamas and watches it while eating twiglets.

Chris Kamara is another twat, I hate that every week in his shit column, he talks about a chat with a footballer who's response always starts something like " Well, as you know Kammy..." As if we're meant to believe that he's some sort of friend to all footballer's and a much loved broadcasting icon. Kammy indeed, it's like when the Sun keeps claiming that everyone calls Heather Mills 'Mucca', no they don't, only the Sun do (Although I'm thinking about starting, I'd love to be on the Metro and turn to the person next to me and say "So, what do you think about that Lady Mucca then?" Also, her crime seems to be accusing Paul McCarney of knocking her about, and everybody (Well' The Sun) are all like, HOW DARE YOU! HE WAS IN THE BEATLES!!! Well, Les McKeown was in the Bay City Rollers and that don't stop him looking at kiddy porn.)

Anyway, I'm currently becomming a bit keen on comedic legend Frank Sidebottom, specifically his sweet show on Channel M. If you are still to be convinced, watch this marvellous clip of him 'interviewing' Iain Lee, it starts off slowly, but by the end...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CXosHhLEHFg

I also watched him interview Emma Bunton about a song she wrote, his first question was "What colour pen did you use".

Mainly a list.

Wed, 30 Mar 2011 13:52:11 +0100

Right you.

Some stuff before I get to the meat. First, I did do that wrestling match of which I wrote in January, wish I hadn't, not only was it shit, it also destroyed many actual nice memories I used to have. Never again...

I did love the Stand though, only partly because of the free luxury apartment. I went to an ornate Edinburgh graveyard that had a woman buried in it called Christian Wardrobe. Also, a scotchman called me a fat bastard when I tried to only buy a large jumper from his shop. I liked it, especially when the XL shirt I bought split when I put it on.

You can't buy chips in Scarborough.

Anyway, Greek woman Nicola Mantalios-Lovett and her husband Stuart Lovett (Who isn't double barrelled because he is ashamed of her.) asked me what music I'm into and the answer was, nothing really. I used to be into lots of stuff and have decided to try to again, not least because of my upcoming appearance on AlterNation on NE1FM on 11th August.

So, I've been trying to listen to many songs lately and managed to enjoy many again, the change has done me good, Sheryl Crow was a sage in that respect.

I have also noticed that folk are doing some sort of 30 day song challenge, I don't have the patience for that, so, unless I get bored or need a shit or something, I'll do the whole list at once.

day 01 - your favorite song - THE FISHERMAN, IAN BROWN
At the minute, probably this. I like the fact that it's a b-side, that appeals to the contrary twat in me. I like that it sounds like it's recorded in one tack and that, like all of the best Ian Brown songs, it sounds cool as fuck. I'm able to look past the obvious 'save us Jesus' theme and I wouldn't do that for just any song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8_BoInipIs

day 02 - your least favorite song - NAZI MARCHING SONGS
Some people might have picked Justin Bieber or something but, I have to tell you this, I'm bang against the holocaust me. I just can't stand it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZwMldLiMt0

day 03 - a song that makes you happy - CARNIVAL OF SORTS, REM
Not sure it makes me happy as such, not sure songs have that much effect on me. I like it though...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tv4nuD7q2uQ

day 04 - a song that makes you sad - THERE ISN"T ONE
I just wouldn't listen to it. Instead here is Bodies by the Sex Pistols!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--ljRn5GX_s

Fuck this, I'm bored already, I'm off. I'd first like to remind everyone that the band Queen ire terrible and that they hate black people. I'm not saying that it's good that Freddie Mercury died of AIDS but if you disagree, you hate Nelson Mandela.

Lightwater Valley

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 14:59:23 +0100

http://www.gigglebeats.co.uk/2011/03/long-live-comedys-fifth-birthday/ This is a thing about Long Live Comedy's 5th Birthday, I am mentioned in it, firstly praising my flag stuff and then being less kind about my old 'shoes on hands' material. An act that their own website described as 'Brilliant stuff'.

I was hoping that I'd have something to write about if I just started typing, I'm not feeling inspired as of yet...

...I've been listening to the first Elastica album recently, it was good wasn't it? Dirty too, which was great when I was 16 and is still a bit good now. This isn't interesting.

I did a gig in Chester with someone named Bill Webb the other day. I found this hilarious because he was a yound studenty type so the name was incongruous. Fuck off, it WAS funny, despite what you think. I'm right about shoes on hands and I'm right about this.

Here are the names of some other people I know with amusing names:

ANDY FURY - His name is good because when I first saw him I assumed it was a stage name and that he was some sort of political material and would be bringing down Thatcher and that. Then he just sort of rambled on with about three punchlines in twenty minutes, proving once again that incongruous names are funny.

BRETT EAGLE - I know someone called Brett Eagle, who is a wrestler CALLED BRETT EAGLE. He could have been nothing else. He was dead young when I met him and as well as being called Brett Eagle he is also clever, rich, good at cricket and lush. At the time though, I was in a position of wrestling power and could make him do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTn_5j_qpg4

LUKE KONDOR: I did a gig with him once and wished he would form a tag team with Brett Eagle.

HARVEY MASON JNR: Funny because his Dad is actually called Colin and he changed his name by deed poll so that everyone would think he was great.

ANDREW PURVIS: His name sounds a little bit funny because it sounds a bit like pervert but mainly because he lived on a street with another person called Andrew Purvis. I don't recall any hilarity ensuing because of it though.

DUNCAN MUNRO: Someone from school, I like his name because Duncan was actually his middle name and he chose to be called that because he preferred it to the name Andrew. I should point out that Duncan is a rubbish name and Andrew is alright.

GEORGE ZACH: Is actually called Yorghos Zacharopoulis but thinks everyone is too stupid to pronounce it, in the same way that he thinks everyone fails to laugh at his jokes because they don't get them.

NICOLA MANTALLIOS-LOVETT: Is funny because you can shorten it to Nicola Man Love, insinuating that she is a slag.

That'll do...

Moses

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 21:58:29 +0100

Moses died today.

Moses was our cat and was great, I'm not particularly eloquent today but when a cat dies that your eleven year old son has known all of his life on your wifes birthday, you don't feel like Dickens.

You may remember that another cat, Dave, died last February.

February can piss off.

I had to take Moses to the vet, I think we knew it would be the end and, while they did a blood test, we knew it was unlikely we'd see her again. Claire and I stayed with her as she passed away. It was more pleasant than when it happened to Dave as Moses wasn't in as much pain and purred as we stroked her.

It made things a little easier but not much, I've been crying a lot of the day, she'd been around for so long, almost a third of my life but that doesn't tell the whole story. She was the best cat in the World...That doesn't tell the whole story either.

I miss her, the house isn't right.

Went to the Early Learning Centre, spent all the money I'd lent ya...

Sat, 12 Feb 2011 14:36:20 +0100

Was at a gig in York on Thursday. Was good and yes, I was funny, thanks for asking. This is not the point.

On the wall at the venue, there was a framed golden suit, that previously belonged to a member of Shed Seven, presumably the singer. This was amusing to me, I originally assumed that they had it up because they couldn't get anything from the bass player from the Bluetones or the keyboard guy from Mansun.

Of course I was an idiot and had somehow forgotten that Shed Seven are from York, I felt stupid because, other than flags, my main area of expertise is knowing the hometowns of britpop also rans. The 60ft Dolls are from Newport...see!

Apparently, one of Shed Seven hosts an open mic night for musicians nearby, at the end of which he plays a couple of his songs, the place is supposedly packed with Shed Seven fans. I made some comment that their hometown is surely the only place where you could still fill a room with Shed Seven fans. A cheap shot, admittedly and a bit rich from someone who has absolutely zero actual fans to speak of but not a big deal really.

Except, as I walked past the bar, Rick Witter, the lead singer of Shed Seven was right there.

He looked at me for a split second...Had he heard?

Well, no, of course he hadn't. He was looking at me because I was looking at him because he is Rick Witter of Shed Seven. I realise it would have been a better story if he had taken me to task and challenged me to a 'Who has the most hit singles' cometition. That didn't happen though. Pity really.

Anyway, he wins, we were in a bar that had his signed shirt on the wall, he is better than me. It may be a bit unusual to be in a pub that has your framed shirt on the wall but if there was a place that had my coat on the wall I would hardly ever be somewhere else.

Here is what I never understood about Shed Seven. Why did they pick the name Shed Seven?

It is. by any standards, a shit name for a band, I mean, it's down there with frigging Neds Atomic Dustbin.

The thing about it is, they were (Are? no idea, I confess to not being up to date with their ouvre.) a legitimately really good band, I'd put some of their singles (Going for Gold, On Standby, Chasing Rainbows, She Left Me On Friday...) up with the best singles of most bands of their era. But who really is going to say "Shed Seven are my favourite band!"?

If say, they'd have swapped names with Oasis, would they have had the same success? Proabably not, they didn't offer what Oasis did (By the way, I don't fully trust anyone who doesn't love Oasis, I assume they are just trying to seem kooky.) but I'm pretty sure they would have been more warmly remembered, pretty sure I wouldn't have referred to them as britpop also rans earlier on (I don't actually believe they were by the way, they were too good for that.). So, while they were unlikely to have swapped places with Oasis, by dint of a simple name change, would Oasis have been the success they were had they been called Shed Seven? Surely not, the point is though, they never would have called themselves that.

So why did Shed Seven? The obvious answer would be that perhaps they were trying to maintain some sort of indy cred.

This doesn't hold up though, this is a band who changed the words of the single Speakeasy to "Speakeasy...At the Link it's easy." for a mobile phone advert. Not overly concerned about credibility.

So why did they choose the name? No idea, this has sort of fizzled out hasn't it? I will say, I bet they regretted the choice of name more than once.

Oh, by the way, speaking of Britpop, how nauseating were Blur? I used to really like them at the time but listening now, the constant art students sneering at the little people vibe makes my really want to kick something.

Well done if you got to the end of this...